Saturday, March 04, 2006

Hey team,

I first want to apologize for being a couple days late in getting this together, and also thank master of the dojo, Mr. Yee, for keeping the project on track and generally rocking. That said, here's some thumbnails...

It's very stupid, but any suggestions on how I could make it not only stupid but funny too are welcome. Since it's mostly dialogue I've included the script below. I think it still needs some sort of ending gag or "button", just the ninjas saying something as they walk away or something.

Oh, and "V" stands for "catering-truck Vender", and "N" stands for... well, you know...

N: Hey, we'd like a tuna on white, and... an egg salad sandwich with wheat.

V: Tuna on white and egg salad on wheat!

N: yeah.

N: Hey, what's with the bunny rabbit?

V: Bunny rabbit with no legs, five ninety-nine.

N: What? It doesn't even have legs? What the hell, you're selling it?

V: What, why do you care?

N: What do you mean why do we care? Its just not right! What the hell is wrong with you?

V: You guys are Ninjas. You're, like, hardened assassins without feelings, existing only to carry out
totally sinister and nefarious missions in the night! Ninjas are silent and deadly, they don't
go around rescuing animals.

N: Oh, I see. All ninjas are the same to you. I bet you're like "I can't even tell one ninja apart from
the others they all look the same to me"

N: Look, how about you just give us the bunny and throw in that little cart to wheel it around in.

V: Cart's ten bucks.

N: We not funding your criminal inhumanity!!

V: I don't suppose sensitive, soft hearted ninjas such as yourselves would even carry any shuriken? No?
Wakizashis? Katanas, Kama, Jutte?

V: In which case, are you going to pay for your sandwiches...

*pulls gun*

V: ...or am I going to have to ask you to get lost?

*cut to two minutes later, ninjas wheeling bunny away from burning wreckage of catering truck*


Blogger dyee said...

Looks good J. I love the dialogue. Coupla thoughts: Maybe add one more shot of the ninjas reactions to the gun being pulled on them. And maybe instead of just cutting to "2 minutes later", have one frame of action, where there's a cloud of dust and maybe some indication of the fight going on, then cut to the smoke clearing "2 minutes later". As for a button for your story, maybe the ninjas want the bunny for themselves so they can make a rabbit stew? Or maybe they weren't appalled by the rabbit being sold, but by how much the vendor was charging for the bunny ("I can't belive that guy was charging $5.95!!! This thing doesn't even have legs! Can't be worth more than $2.99! The nerve of some people!").

11:57 PM  
Blogger David Chai said...

Jay Diggity, looks great. I agree about a "button" and the end to punctuate the story, though don't know what to suggest. I like Dave's suggestions.

Here are a few STOOPID suggestions that might require a couple additional panels to set up a reveal:

1. They could be walking off discussing "the nerve of that guy" like Dave suggested, then one says "lemme get a bite" and the other passes the rabbit like a burrito.

2. The younger ninja asks "why did you go into such a frenzy" and the older one reveals that the rabbit was a former comrade who lost all of his legs fighting alongside the ninja (STOOPID!) Or it reminded him of a fallen rabbit comrade or one he wasn't able to rescue in the past.

3. Maybe you can alter the following quote to give a heavy philosophical ending (though it makes no sense): "The fish trap exists because of the fish. Once you've gotten the fish you can forget the trap. The rabbit snare exists because of the rabbit. Once you've gotten the rabbit, you can forget the snare. Words (lunchcarts) exist because of meaning (hunger). Once you've gotten the meaning (satisfied the hunger), you can forget the words (lunchcart). Where can I find a man (lunchcart that has forgotten hunger)who has forgotten words so I can talk with him (eat at the damn place)? ~Chuang Tzu"

4. In a couple medium or close up shots, the older could be preaching to the younger "When a man has pity on all living creatures then only is he noble.
--Buddha (563? - 483? B.C.)" cuddling the rabbit in his arms. Then cut to that wide shot and body parts of the lunch guy are being pulled in the cart.

10:34 AM  
Blogger jason courtney said...

Thanks for the crits comrades. I have to admit I'm not so into the whole "cute animal gets killed", partly because I find those jokes kind of predictable and not so funny, and then also I am biased by keeping house rabbits myself. I mean, you wouldn't allow Sammy to be eaten by a ninja would you? Although it's true that if you wrap a dwarf rabbit in a towel it does look really burrito-shaped...

I really love the idea of the deep philosophical discussion though. I was thinking about something similar. I didn't really have any reason for the rabbit being there or being rescued, it's kind of just a plot device so the ninjas can get into a conflict with the vender. But then people want the question of why they’re doing this resolved at the end, so I need to make up some sort of explanation.

One idea I had was for them to be straight-up posed the question “so why DID you want that bunny?” and have them reinforce their ninja-ness by saying something like “To question us is as fruitless as the night wind on dry grass in the desert. Our motivations can only be a mystery to you”. And then have them walk off into a sunset or something. But it seems to demand another character out of the blue to pose the question, and maybe it’s still leaving the reader frustrated.

4:54 PM  

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